Monday, May 3, 2010

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Watching the biggest loser, cooking my frozen pizza; I've fallen off the wagon. Yeah, I know I feel I don't deserve to be happy....but why....

*shrug* I'm working on it and I need your support.

Bruins game tonight.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Hockey Season

Wow, hockey season so far is wizzing by! Since we are season ticket holders now, it seems like it's all hockey hockey hockey (I'm not complaining)...well if you add Center Ice for the Bruins games...everyday there's some hockey going on. I'm still enrolled full time in college, which seriously is taxing and liberating at the same time. I'm still going strong with approx. 4 years to go (aiming for Master's). The random errands, the girlfriend/wife stuff, and just being alive keeps me pretty busy. My only complaint right now is a lack of friends. I have fantastic friends I do, but most of my AMAZING friends that I love so much are 1200+ miles away. Kearna is in Cali, Melissa is in FLorida, My sister is in Austin (only 3 hours but still!), etc etc etc (can't mention you all it would take too long). After a soul searching week of self sabotage, cleansing and homework, I'm still not to the bottom of this reoccurring theme of not feel I deserve to be happy. However I will keep working on it. Well this is all I have time for t-minus 4.75 hours until we leave for the American Airlines Center...and I still have to shower, eat lunch, go the grocery store (again!!) and finish my art project...oh and study for my government test.

Let's Go Stars and BRUINS!


Monday, September 21, 2009

Ninja Post.

Things are good. I slack at my own blog. Maybe because I already moderate other pages...who knows...

School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics,

you get the point....

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Lots of papers due soon. Trying not to overwhelm myself. However, I find that I am a bit overwhelmed, so much so I couldn't sleep. Going to go read and bring some paper with me. Brainstorming ideas for my paper might help....

Until next time,


Btw, email is a good way to get in touch if you are trying

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

English Class: Nice.

So as I began to write my narration assignment, a very personal one, I realized that maybe now is the time to start my autobiography. I've always been afraid of the consequences due to my family disagreeing with "the way things happened." I could cry really, realizing how much of myself I tend to push to the side, how much of my own life I try to forget.

I'm a full package, and some of that does include emotional baggage. In the words of a song,
"I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine." (Thanks Rent.) So I think I'm going to start it.

We will see what happens.

Friday, June 5, 2009


Even my math homework today was harder than usual. Not the actual content but the ability to concentrate on anything. Stomach is still acting up, and my back hurts from the gym too but ugh. So much stress this week. I even took a nap between things yesterday, a 4 hour nap. Oy.

My English class is what might be the death of me though. There are a lot of assignments. I'm not sure I even grasp the concepts some times, so I just do it to the best of my ability. This one discussion forum one: Insight into the minds of others. Some people's brains are beautiful complex and others would get lost on a one-way street. This is not new information but having to refrain from explaining things and feeling like I might have to "dumb" down my responses because of it, is. I don't want that to come off like I'm better or smarter than anyone. It just seems as if they lacked the core of what the article was about. "I don't know what it was saying." When the title clearly says it: Although poorly written and organized: the point is clear the facts and writing is not however.

Anyway, among other things are my moral dilemma, and my wanting to work out as well as clean my house. B and I are taking over the mortgage payment next month. Slowly but steadily we are getting on our feet. However, it leaves a lot to be desired. We both really want an above ground pool (can't do an in-ground one), a deck and trees in the back. We'd like to actually be able to use our backyard. A house is great, but really expensive. I know we are going to be here awhile but who knows when the housing market will pick back up again, and the home improvement projects won't just be a money sink. Not to mention everything in our house is disorganized. Not for a lack of trying, but for a lack of places to put it. We have storage: Lots of Storage. However, the storage doesn't allow us to use or access our things or allow us to display them proudly. I think every closet in this 4 bedroom house has stuff in it that hasn't been unpacked in oh I don't know a year and a half. Left over computer parts, extra furniture that has sentimental value to the family but no place in our house. Everything in our house is a hand me down. I'm grateful for the stuff, but it's not our style, and it leaves again: A lot to be desired.

So there it leads back to the money thing. A new couch would put us back as much as the pool but the pool would probably get more use considering we only watch tv while we eat dinner. (isn't that terrible lol). I mean we do watch movies and stuff sometimes but the couch we have is fine minus it's lack of being close to this century's style. It's comfortable, but small, and has recliners on each side of the loveseat. So again: Asetetics or pool...POOL. It's all a matter of I guess what people think is important. While I could really use more shelves in the house, and more places to display things, a dishwasher that works 100% of the time, a fridge that matches the rest of the applicances, a new washer that matches my dryer and doesn't take all year, a desk that has a drawer on it as well as shelves and a place so that I'm not right on top of my 22 inch monitor, and a new video card since mines on the edger for the yard because ours is the only one not manicured, etc etc etc

It won't happen. Not just because of money but because life is too short to waste money on making EVERYTHING perfect. It would just break, or go haywire. Not that I'm being a pessimetist but things are always more complicated than they seem. If I got new shelves, they'd have to go up in a particular way that might not match the decor of the rest of the room, so I'd need to buy the other furniture, if I got a new fridge, the water line behind it would prolly break, if I got a new washer it wouldn't fit in my laundry room, if I got a new desk, it'd prolly take up my whole room and leave me longing for more open space and if i get a new video card, it would bottle next on mother board causing me to have to buy a whole new computer in essence because it would be useless to have such nice things to bottleneck, if i get the edger, some person will offer to do my yard so cheap, I won't be able to refuse....and last but not least: If I spend a big chunk of money on any of it:

I'll feel terrible. So many other things you can do, but really there are things that NEED to be done: Like cleaning out all the stuff that we don't use (it's not unpacked is it!?).

OH well mostly I think I'm just avoiding commiting to anything in the house because my whole life I move all the time. So what it all boils down to is my fear that this commitment is going nowhere and I'll have to leave soon and my stuff will be everywhere.

All that blabbering for that. I knew it would come out though, I felt like writing. Fear. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait you know. I'm not trying to stir up drama, I've got a lot on my plate. It's been 6 months since the Christmas fiasco. Still feels like it's never ever going to happen. I'm tired of the excuses, I really am. I know I may be pressuring him but fucking a, it's been long enough. Take it or leave it..either way I need to know. I deserve to know.

Until next venting session: