Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Realization

Watching the biggest loser, cooking my frozen pizza; I've fallen off the wagon. Yeah, I know I feel I don't deserve to be happy....but why....

*shrug* I'm working on it and I need your support.


Bruins game tonight.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Hockey Season

Wow, hockey season so far is wizzing by! Since we are season ticket holders now, it seems like it's all hockey hockey hockey (I'm not complaining)...well if you add Center Ice for the Bruins games...everyday there's some hockey going on. I'm still enrolled full time in college, which seriously is taxing and liberating at the same time. I'm still going strong with approx. 4 years to go (aiming for Master's). The random errands, the girlfriend/wife stuff, and just being alive keeps me pretty busy. My only complaint right now is a lack of friends. I have fantastic friends I do, but most of my AMAZING friends that I love so much are 1200+ miles away. Kearna is in Cali, Melissa is in FLorida, My sister is in Austin (only 3 hours but still!), etc etc etc (can't mention you all it would take too long). After a soul searching week of self sabotage, cleansing and homework, I'm still not to the bottom of this reoccurring theme of not feel I deserve to be happy. However I will keep working on it. Well this is all I have time for t-minus 4.75 hours until we leave for the American Airlines Center...and I still have to shower, eat lunch, go the grocery store (again!!) and finish my art project...oh and study for my government test.


Let's Go Stars and BRUINS!

Aprill

Monday, September 21, 2009

Ninja Post.

Things are good. I slack at my own blog. Maybe because I already moderate other pages...who knows...


School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics, School, Hockey, Aion, Gym, Aerobics,

you get the point....

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Papers.

Lots of papers due soon. Trying not to overwhelm myself. However, I find that I am a bit overwhelmed, so much so I couldn't sleep. Going to go read and bring some paper with me. Brainstorming ideas for my paper might help....

Until next time,

Aprill

Btw, email is a good way to get in touch if you are trying

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

English Class: Nice.

So as I began to write my narration assignment, a very personal one, I realized that maybe now is the time to start my autobiography. I've always been afraid of the consequences due to my family disagreeing with "the way things happened." I could cry really, realizing how much of myself I tend to push to the side, how much of my own life I try to forget.


I'm a full package, and some of that does include emotional baggage. In the words of a song,
"I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine." (Thanks Rent.) So I think I'm going to start it.

We will see what happens.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Mmmhmmm

Even my math homework today was harder than usual. Not the actual content but the ability to concentrate on anything. Stomach is still acting up, and my back hurts from the gym too but ugh. So much stress this week. I even took a nap between things yesterday, a 4 hour nap. Oy.

My English class is what might be the death of me though. There are a lot of assignments. I'm not sure I even grasp the concepts some times, so I just do it to the best of my ability. This one discussion forum one: Insight into the minds of others. Some people's brains are beautiful complex and others would get lost on a one-way street. This is not new information but having to refrain from explaining things and feeling like I might have to "dumb" down my responses because of it, is. I don't want that to come off like I'm better or smarter than anyone. It just seems as if they lacked the core of what the article was about. "I don't know what it was saying." When the title clearly says it: Although poorly written and organized: the point is clear the facts and writing is not however.

Anyway, among other things are my moral dilemma, and my wanting to work out as well as clean my house. B and I are taking over the mortgage payment next month. Slowly but steadily we are getting on our feet. However, it leaves a lot to be desired. We both really want an above ground pool (can't do an in-ground one), a deck and trees in the back. We'd like to actually be able to use our backyard. A house is great, but really expensive. I know we are going to be here awhile but who knows when the housing market will pick back up again, and the home improvement projects won't just be a money sink. Not to mention everything in our house is disorganized. Not for a lack of trying, but for a lack of places to put it. We have storage: Lots of Storage. However, the storage doesn't allow us to use or access our things or allow us to display them proudly. I think every closet in this 4 bedroom house has stuff in it that hasn't been unpacked in oh I don't know a year and a half. Left over computer parts, extra furniture that has sentimental value to the family but no place in our house. Everything in our house is a hand me down. I'm grateful for the stuff, but it's not our style, and it leaves again: A lot to be desired.

So there it leads back to the money thing. A new couch would put us back as much as the pool but the pool would probably get more use considering we only watch tv while we eat dinner. (isn't that terrible lol). I mean we do watch movies and stuff sometimes but the couch we have is fine minus it's lack of being close to this century's style. It's comfortable, but small, and has recliners on each side of the loveseat. So again: Asetetics or pool...POOL. It's all a matter of I guess what people think is important. While I could really use more shelves in the house, and more places to display things, a dishwasher that works 100% of the time, a fridge that matches the rest of the applicances, a new washer that matches my dryer and doesn't take all year, a desk that has a drawer on it as well as shelves and a place so that I'm not right on top of my 22 inch monitor, and a new video card since mines on the fritz....an edger for the yard because ours is the only one not manicured, etc etc etc

It won't happen. Not just because of money but because life is too short to waste money on making EVERYTHING perfect. It would just break, or go haywire. Not that I'm being a pessimetist but things are always more complicated than they seem. If I got new shelves, they'd have to go up in a particular way that might not match the decor of the rest of the room, so I'd need to buy the other furniture, if I got a new fridge, the water line behind it would prolly break, if I got a new washer it wouldn't fit in my laundry room, if I got a new desk, it'd prolly take up my whole room and leave me longing for more open space and if i get a new video card, it would bottle next on mother board causing me to have to buy a whole new computer in essence because it would be useless to have such nice things to bottleneck, if i get the edger, some person will offer to do my yard so cheap, I won't be able to refuse....and last but not least: If I spend a big chunk of money on any of it:

I'll feel terrible. So many other things you can do, but really there are things that NEED to be done: Like cleaning out all the stuff that we don't use (it's not unpacked is it!?).

OH well mostly I think I'm just avoiding commiting to anything in the house because my whole life I move all the time. So what it all boils down to is my fear that this commitment is going nowhere and I'll have to leave soon and my stuff will be everywhere.

All that blabbering for that. I knew it would come out though, I felt like writing. Fear. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait you know. I'm not trying to stir up drama, I've got a lot on my plate. It's been 6 months since the Christmas fiasco. Still feels like it's never ever going to happen. I'm tired of the excuses, I really am. I know I may be pressuring him but fucking a, it's been long enough. Take it or leave it..either way I need to know. I deserve to know.

Until next venting session:

~A

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Clearly Needing Advice

If someone you knew was doing something illegal that you feel endangered other people would you say something?

Normally you'd say yes, although some people belief it will work itself out, or it's not their place.

Now: What if it was someone you knew very well and it would effectively change everything forever? What if telling would end a lot of things that you cherish in your own life, relationships that are un-mendable after this?

I need a priest :( I'm conflicted. Part of me wonders if I'm doing this out of vengeance but I also know that I am really concerned.

Lord help me. Please.

Monday, June 1, 2009

English: Blegh.

Well reading my first assignments due for this next week was a little overwhelming. Not underwhelming or whelming. I am quite irritated that my responsive assignment is Christian political peace explaining why Clinton was good for the Christians but will deemed as the whipping boy of the Third Great Awakening.


There are so many things wrong with this paper that I might just blow a fuse thinking about it. However, the part that bothers me the most is I'm supposed to respond to other peoples view on this paper. As everyone in the world knows, I'm very stubborn in my opinion. So I must imply tact and sympathy so that I do not offend.

Blegh. Seriously. Blegh.

~Mindfully wounded~
Aprill

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Ren Fest- Scarborough Fair!

I'm still intriqued greatly by the gem the fairy gave me. What's it mean, what's it for....am I marked now? Random thoughts. Weird dreams.

I got a henna tattoo on my hand yesterday that I'm in love with. I let the artist free hand his own design with my inspiration. It's pretty nifty. I tweeted about it. So it's on one of them from yesterday.

Off to shower and let my moms dogs out. Driving across town to do these things makes me a good daughter right?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Seriously frustrated.

I might lose my pell grant due to the school systems being unable to communicate. This is getting to be a little overwhelming. While I am trying not to stress out, the lingering fact that I might not be able to attend school is sitting there like a led weight while I hover over the ocean floor.


Lord help me.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Personal Trainer.

Blah, going in a few to meet with personal trainer. I'm going to get on track if it's the hardest thing I do. However, I know from the way I'm sleeping that somethings about to come up, somethings about to be Epiphanyzed. I think that's not a word, but whatever. I'm in a really weird state of mind right now. Anyway, I'll write more when I'm not worried about the gym :)

Yeah, by the way, I think I'm fatter than I am. When I look in the mirror I see a 300lbs girl. However, when i look again I see a tube of fat around my tummy. Revelations to fix my issue.

Kisses,
AYA

Monday, April 27, 2009

So yeah. I Should be...

Blogging about my weight loss on my weight loss journal, but the lack of actual readers will probably prevent that. However, on the weight loss front, I did manage somehow to lose a size without losing any weight /baffle/. I did sign up for a 4 month membership at my gym (FREE GUESTS, if you wanna come!). It starts May 1st, which of course I won't be back until the 3rd. I have a free appointment with the Personal Trainer at 1030am on the 4th. Seriously, Aprill needs to get on track.

I'm so sick of shopping and crying because those cute pants, or that cute shirt don't fit. Fashion eludes me. I'm down to black shirts and baggy pants. Ah, well it will all work out in good time. I did so many errands today, I did forget one, but my car will yell at me when it's more thirsty. I also spent 200 before 5pm, which is really really hard for me. The 9 dollars I spent on makeup seems frivolous, which is silly. I'm allowed to spend money on myself damn it. See, internal struggle over minor things for myself even. I did however find pants for the trip and two shirts(on clearance), which I'm not mad at myself over, because it'd be nice to have a pair of pants my thunder thighs haven't ruined.

You ever talk a lot without saying much? I just did :) You love me though!!


~Random Thoughts by AYA~

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Real friends and Real Life.

I'm the kind of person that is always there for you, no how many times you screw me over, I still have this compassion for you. So am I surprised that only 3 people cared enough to check on me during my Louisiana trip? Not really, however, it does suck. Soon I'll be working and going to school and living my life for me, and not for anyone else. I may not answer your calls pleading for advice on situation that you already know how to resolve but want "my opinion" on. I realized on this trip a few more things about myself. I'm a people please, with a big mouth of course, but ultimately I want to please everyone around me. Coming back home, and realizing just how much I do, is hard on me, because now that there is a cycle there, I'm going to have to break it. School will come first over simple things like laundry and dishes. I'll probably end up hiring someone to clean up the house because I'll have no time.

Btw, Aprill+beer+shots+bunch of old guys= Aprill realizing how little she's done to accomplish things and be herself.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Aunt Theresa.

She has passed away yesterday morning. Something that's never easy for a family to handle. I have this sinking feeling in my heart. I can't explain it, nothing to do with the funeral. Just an overwhelming sense that if I leave for this trip everything will change, and not in a positive way. My friends know my intuition is really powerful....ugh. Overwhelming.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Today was Busy.

Busy Busy. It's all good. I'm really trying hard to not stress out :) Hopefully it will all work out.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Confusion.

So I thought I knew, but I had no idea. I'm just ugh.

Mind. Won't. Shut. UP. The thoughts come and go again. I wish it would just stop.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Drunk fighting.

It happened again. Except this time, we actually worked it out. Those root of the problems instead of the facade that was taking place. We both said what we were really thinking and I sent some nasty texts. (Not to my love but still). This is why Aprill doesn't drink lol. I did have thoughts again out of my control of suicide which makes me cringe and cry. I hate thinking like that, and feeling like I have no control over the thoughts. I'm not miserable or hating my life...so I don't understand. Hopefully when I get some help, medicine can help :) I don't want to be the drama in anyone's life.

*hugs* I love my friends!

Friday, April 10, 2009

TGIF- Good Friday.

Blah No confession this week. It's probably for the best. I can't promise to try to stop the things I'm doing right now that are sinful. I even broke my own lent this year. Which is terrible. However, I've come to realize that somethings about me are just me. Some are habitual and can be broken, however, for the most part....This is me. SO yeah. There it is. My truth.

Anyway, I kicked ass on the writing portion. It was about whether or not taking a second job is harmful or a benefit. I'll let you guess which one I picked. :) I have to take like introduction to college math this summer, which is actually quite hilarious for me. I suck at math pretty bad so :) Yeah.

Having a mini=party tonight. Might just be me, B and one other..or rather I'm hoping at least that the "other" is coming. Don't ask why. I'd rock your world :)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

It's only 11am :)

Okay so really it's almost noon, but I went to bed around 5am. So bare with me and my appreciation for the thing things like not having to rush to my test. I'm really nervous about it. I'm not a good tester and I know that's what college all is for the most part. I know I can do it, and this is just an assessment. If I could control my mind like that, I would reassure it lol. Let's hope I don't use LOL or ROFL or OMG on my assessment paper, that would a real story for the books. Well I'm off to shower and stuff. I'll prolly do some cardio later. Although.... I'd prolly sweat pink since I reapplied it to my hair last night.

Ugh why am I physcho babbling like anyone cares!?!?!?!?! LOL! Text me :) Random thoughts of Melissa and wondering how shes doing, I'll text her today.

Sending love your way,

Aprill

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Grapenuts and yogurt.

I'm eating them. They are delicious. This week has been about self discovery. My lack of schedule, my lack of motivation, and my lack of weight loss. All stem around one thing. I'm lazy. When did it happen that I got so caught up in other stuff, and pleasing other people that I forgot to take care of myself. I've barely even been putting on makeup. Not that I "need" to, it's the point that I don't even bother to. Anyway, a lot of family drama, don't really want it either, but they're family. Sometimes I just want to sit in a dark room for a long while and hope that some people forget I exist. No, I don't want to die, nothing that morbid. I just need some time to work on me, and work on the person I want to become. Hockey season is even almost over, besides the playoffs, in which the Stars are not apart of. So, before I run off another obsessive streak to avoid working on the things that bother me so, its time to sit on the couch and say, How does that make me feel.

Interruptions of thought brought to you by the letters:
AYA

Monday, March 30, 2009

Today is Hard.

If someone asked me if I knew there were days I would cry, today is one of them. The other is mother's day. I've never regretted my choice, but it doesn't make it any easier. My life is headed in such a positive direction, even my mother said so...there's really nothing I can complain about. Well I could, but anyone can nit pick.


So my lovelies, send me some happy thoughts today :)

Aprill

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A little negativity with some positivity.

So you ever talk to a guy, flirt a little, and he says that you are so awesome, that your boyfriend is a lucky guy, etc etc....then has his perfect skinny girlfriend who looks boring as hell show up and put her arm around him.....I mean it's not like I care, I'm very happy in my relationship, but it's like...damn you know...of course you're with the socially acceptable plastic chick. Guys are so easy to figure out :)

Now for my positivity:
Spending the day with the love of my life. Little things make me realize how lucky I am to have him. Like the way he woke me, putting his arms around me and kissing my forehead. I couldn't ask for a better man in my life. So blessed! Rambling on ...

have a great day my lovelies, and remember I love you, skinny, extra padding, or even if I could not put my arms around you. *MUAH*

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Pretty paper.

I have this sick obsession with all things stationary like. It's really rather silly. But today, I bought the most amazing butterfly paper, and other paper. ....Don't ask me what I'll do with it!

I JUST HAVE PRETTTTTTTTTTTTTTY PAPER!


YAY!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Working it out.

Today I feel pretty and confident...which is odd because I have not even had a shower yet. LoL. I'm off to go work out though. I'm going to do this. Whether it's by starving myself and working out or just good old fashion not being a fatty working out......I AM GOING TO DO THIS.

The trip kind of blew me off track a little, but I'll be okay. Nothing a weak of cajun food can do to stop me now.

Bring it on....world. I'll rock your socks off and leave you begging for more....


Aprill

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Anniversary

So I've been on this homemade kick, it's fun and I suppose it wouldn't kill me to have a hobby that does not involve sitting down. So I made homemade pasta (which ...blech... need a new recipe), homemade rolls, and my famous Spasta that Brian loves so much. Candlelit dinner for two....and I made mini bear shaped cakes and frosted them with my pastry bag prettiness (I'm getting good at that too). He loved it all, and I'm so blessed to have him in my life. Our next friday the 13th anniversary will be in 2015..he is such a nerd for figuring that out.... just like this time. I've watched a lot of my friends in their relationships, their issues, their needing my advice, and I realize just how lucky I am. Maybe I'm not going to get engaged anytime soon (BOOOO!!!), but I can handle that, we've got a good thing going. Of course there are personal issues with that, but you know you do the best you can, and who knows, maybe our Catholic wedding will be the greatest. Anyway, now I'm just kind of blabbling, so off to finish lunch and probably play some warhammer. Yeah, I'm back on warhammer.....gotta play something I get bored :)

LOVE YA!
Aprill

Thursday, March 12, 2009

And the clouds begin to part!

I got my acceptance letter today from TCC which is a community college, and I know all that really takes is a big check and a valid id...but STILL. I can't wait to begin! College is going to be hard, fun, a challenge and most of all a step towards my dream of being a teacher.


YAY! Great news to wake up to!

Love ya!
Aprill

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I'm Starting to Fly.

A lot has happened over the last few days. There are some things about myself I realized, somethings about Brian I've realized and the things about people I've realized. I don't want to get into the details, as the internet is not the place to slander, or be malicious. I've come to the conculsion that I do need more positivity and happiness in my life. So I reject your unhappiness. I reject your conformity of what you wanted me to be, and I reject the anger from my life.

So with this, I bring you Aprill flying. I bring you messages of happiness, messages of tenderness, compassion and me bringing my dreams to life.

Welcome friends it's a new dawn of a new day and a new life for me :)

Aprill